Games cost a lot of money. Of course, if you're the kind of person who regularly visits this site, you probably already knew that. More so than any other entertainment media, being an ardent video game enthusiast requires you to spend the big bucks, and rather frequently. Since you have to shell out often $60 or upwards for each new release, we as gamers need to be informed beforehand that our purchase is a wise investment. That's why we at gamrFeed have put together this handy guide to make sure you never have to spend money on a bad game again.
First off, we need to make sure you are buying the most objectively good game possible. We're dealing with lots of money here, so subjective opinions are out of the question. Say you want to buy "Super Awesome Shooter Game 4". How can you tell if it's any good? Well, the first thing you can do is check out a few well-known review aggregate sites, easily the most useful tools for consumer advice out there, and the final word on the objective quality of a game. Here's a quick cheat sheet of how to judge your potential purchase's quailty.
Below 80 - Garbage. This game is not worth your time. Your $60 demands absolute perfection, and you can't go ahead and spend it on fecal waste like this. Go ahead and let this game drift off into obscurity like the rest of the "lesser" titles that aren't worth your time, and make sure that the developers behind it never have the chance to make games again.
80 to 85 - Still not worth it. This game may not be the worst ever made, but it's probably still terrible. These games probably have some new innovative qualities, but you want to make sure to avoid them because they will be unfamiliar, and us gamers are a timid folk who fear change.
85 to 90 - Now we're gettng somewhere. These games are definitely on the low end of the quality spectrum, but if you are a fan of the genre than this game will probably be for you. Just be careful though, as this game will still probably not meet the high standards we expect and deserve. You may be better off pirating.
90 to 95 - Buy. Don't ask questions. This game is unquestionably good and you are simply being difficult and stubborn if you do not buy this game. Get with the program, man.
95 to 100 - AVOID AT ALL COSTS. All of this game's reviewers were either paid off by publishers, blackmailed by and/or involved sexually with the developers, or were just plain wrong (every single one of them).
Alright, so, you've made your purchase, and you're in that sweet 85-95 score. However, that doesn't necessarily mean the game is still good. As stated above, most reviewers are severely misinformed of a game's actual quality, as game reviewers are often too busy flying high on black tar heroin or secretely conspiring with each other to give bad games high scores. So, here are the following questions to ask yourself while playing your new game.
1. How mainstream is it?
This one is tricky. You want your game to be a fairly popular game so you can talk about it with your friends, but you don't want it to be too mainstream, as mainstream games suck. Hard. Of course, after a certain point, as the game's obscurity increases, so too does the quality. In fact, the games that no one has ever heard of are often the best. Your best bets are imported Japanese games and independent games made in Europe.
2. Does it have multiplayer?
It's not uncommon to mistakenly buy a game with no multiplayer features, as they are pretty much expected today. It goes without saying that multiplayer automatically makes a game better. How a game with only a single-player mode scored above 85 on Metacritic is beyond us, but definitely not unheard of. We recommend you beat this game as soon as you can then sell it back to minimize your losses.
3. Are you having fun?
This is the most important question. Games are serious business, and if you're having fun that means that this game was clearly made for children, and you're above that. You demand your medium to be taken seriously, and your game needs to be engrossing, immersive, as well as be highly competitive, so that when you're teabagging your fallen enemy, you feel like you accomplished something, dammit. If you're having fun with your game, then you are playing with a toy, not an interactive experience.
4. How are the graphics?
Graphics are the most important part of the game, and thus is what you are mostly paying for when you buy the game. First things first: Gotta make sure the game is running at 1080p. This is the highest resolution available, and you gotta show off that 52" HDTV, bro. 720p and below just won't cut it, which means that Wii games are out of the question. Besides, Nintendo only makes games for kids and old ladies and stuff, and remember, you can only play the hardest of hardcore games.
More Tips:
- Avoid games where you play as women. Women are typically weaker than men, plus if you play as a woman that means your game is probably girly and/or emo. Same goes for children and/or animals
- If the game is a sequel released the year after its predecessor. This means that the companies only care about money, not their customers.
- Remember, sports games aren't actually games.
- Make sure your game is AT LEAST 20+ hours long. $60 is on the line, so quality = quantity.
- While obscure titles defintely have a prestige to them, try to stick to established franchises. These are the guys that have the most money put into them and will go on to win Game of the Year awards, so you definitely don't want to miss out on those.
The most important thing to remember is that games are different from books and movies, and each game has an objective numerical value that can be attributed to its quality. Just follow this guide, and you will never have to worry about complaining about your game to various internet message boards ever again.
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