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 Posted: Mon, 22nd Jul 2013 15:49 Post subject: |
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Saner
Posts: 6877
Location: Uk
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| Posted: Mon, 22nd Jul 2013 15:53 Post subject: |
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Or cut off someone else's hand and use that.
| ragnarus wrote: |
I saw things like that in here and in other "woman problems" topics so...... Am I the only one that thinks some authorities needs to be alerted about Saner and him possibly being a rapist and/or kidnapper ? |
Saner is not being serious. Unless its the subject of Santa!
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| Posted: Mon, 22nd Jul 2013 15:53 Post subject: |
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Move it with your other hand.
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| Posted: Mon, 22nd Jul 2013 16:21 Post subject: |
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Says a guy who lies with a girl for seven hours and doesn't kiss her.
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| Posted: Mon, 22nd Jul 2013 16:21 Post subject: |
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well I see this thread went down the toilet rather fast...
Dont mess with God, he can impregnate your girlfriend/wife without taking his pants off!
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Saner
Posts: 6877
Location: Uk
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| Posted: Mon, 22nd Jul 2013 16:21 Post subject: |
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| Guy_Incognito wrote: | | Says a guy who lies with a girl for seven hours and doesn't kiss her. |
hey he kissed her elbow and even got as far as her upper arm man!
| ragnarus wrote: |
I saw things like that in here and in other "woman problems" topics so...... Am I the only one that thinks some authorities needs to be alerted about Saner and him possibly being a rapist and/or kidnapper ? |
Saner is not being serious. Unless its the subject of Santa! |
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Saner
Posts: 6877
Location: Uk
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| Posted: Mon, 22nd Jul 2013 16:22 Post subject: |
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| Acer wrote: | | well I see this thread went down the toilet rather fast... |
Agreed, I blame Firemaster
| ragnarus wrote: |
I saw things like that in here and in other "woman problems" topics so...... Am I the only one that thinks some authorities needs to be alerted about Saner and him possibly being a rapist and/or kidnapper ? |
Saner is not being serious. Unless its the subject of Santa! |
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| Posted: Mon, 22nd Jul 2013 16:37 Post subject: |
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| Posted: Mon, 22nd Jul 2013 16:58 Post subject: |
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tw1st
Posts: 6112
Location: New Jersey
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| Posted: Mon, 22nd Jul 2013 17:37 Post subject: |
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If you really care about her then it is worth fighting for. It comes down to how you feel about this girl and if you are willing to put in the time and effort to let it move forward and help her.
She seem's like she is a little damaged but not so much that she won't be able to recover. You either jump into it 100% and pour everything you got into it, or just break it off completely and move onto the next.
Is she worth the fight?
BTW, just because I'm curious, where are you from Acer?
| BenQ XL2420T 24" 120Hz | Ducky Shine III 9008 White LED - Brown MX | Logitech G9x |
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Invasor
Moderator
Posts: 7638
Location: On the road
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| Posted: Mon, 22nd Jul 2013 18:28 Post subject: |
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| Acer wrote: | We've spoken about getting together and being more serious but right now theres no energy on her part. Shes just trying to survive work and everything. She has said she doesent feel anything, for life for work etc and Im kinda thinking shes about to hit the wall again.
Why must everything be so difficult, why cant you just meet someone and share the silence for a while. No drama, no bullshit just relaxation and positive energy... |
Just keep things the way they are until you're sure about what to do.
I'd say start looking for another girl though...
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| Posted: Tue, 23rd Jul 2013 09:09 Post subject: |
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| tw1st wrote: | If you really care about her then it is worth fighting for. It comes down to how you feel about this girl and if you are willing to put in the time and effort to let it move forward and help her.
She seem's like she is a little damaged but not so much that she won't be able to recover. You either jump into it 100% and pour everything you got into it, or just break it off completely and move onto the next.
Is she worth the fight?
BTW, just because I'm curious, where are you from Acer? |
Im from Iran living in Sweden since '86. While I've lived here almost my entire life I still find the swedish way of life confusing at times and the people even more so. They're like the complete opposit of iranian people, very logical, cold, dont show alot of emotion and generally keep to themselves.
Of course its easy to generalize like this, not all are like that but again from experience and having been with swedish and non swedish women I see a big difference in the way they are when it comes to dating, relationships and so on.
So I got a text message the other day where she said that she was really down and that she needed to be alone for a few days, no texting etc
I kinda wanna do some kind of gesture to show she can trust me and maybe share whats bothering her but at the same time having been with troubled women in the past I think thats not such a good or easy task. So we'll see what happens...
Dont mess with God, he can impregnate your girlfriend/wife without taking his pants off!
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| Posted: Tue, 23rd Jul 2013 15:35 Post subject: |
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To me it seems like she's not worth fighting for. Did she really lose all hope for living a normal life ?There are lonely people out there that are just waiting for someone or something to pull them out of their misery, if you're not able to make her stronger and diminish her negativity then you need to move on. If she doesnt feed on (or appreciate) your support just think what will happen when you will be the one needing hers.. you wont get any.
Does she actually fight for you? Or even think of it?
I just hate women with no energy.. if you always have to be the one with the initiative, the one with the energy.. the one taking decisions and making plans while she's just.. being there.. its not worth it imo
give some and take some.. thats how relationships survive
ASUS TUF B550M-PLUS | RYZEN 5600x | RTX 3060TI | 16GB DDR4
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| Posted: Tue, 23rd Jul 2013 16:06 Post subject: |
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On the contrary, she always listens when I need to talk to her about things thats bothering me and tries to be there as much as possible despite her own problems. Again something I really like with her.
Shes worth fighting for as I've stated several times, at her core she really is one of the most generous and caring women I've ever met.
If I felt the relationship was onesided and that she wouldnt give me attention I'd stop seeing her a long time ago.
I want to help her shed her anxiety and in doing so hope that the feeling of despair will be replaced by emotions, some positive and to see what she really fells about me...
Dont mess with God, he can impregnate your girlfriend/wife without taking his pants off!
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| Posted: Tue, 23rd Jul 2013 20:42 Post subject: |
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| Acer wrote: |
I want to help her shed her anxiety and in doing so hope that the feeling of despair will be replaced by emotions, some positive and to see what she really fells about me... |
You can't help here. You can offer support but she has to do this by herself. And its fucking hard...
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fisk
Posts: 9145
Location: Von Oben
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| Posted: Tue, 23rd Jul 2013 20:59 Post subject: |
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Holy shit, what is this? Bad advice olympics?
Yes, yes I'm back.
Somewhat.
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| Posted: Tue, 23rd Jul 2013 21:08 Post subject: |
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| fisk wrote: | | Holy shit, what is this? Bad advice olympics? |
Care to enlighten us with your vast knoiwledge on the subject?
Dont mess with God, he can impregnate your girlfriend/wife without taking his pants off!
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| Posted: Tue, 23rd Jul 2013 21:42 Post subject: |
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In the butt...
Ryzen 5 5600, ASUS ROG STRIX B550-F GAMING WIFI II, Corsair Vengeance RGB RT 32GB 3600MHz C16, MSI RTX 5070 Ti Ventus 3X OC , Corsair RMx Series RM750x. AOC AGON AG324UX - 4K 144Hz 1ms
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| Posted: Tue, 23rd Jul 2013 22:02 Post subject: |
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fisk
Posts: 9145
Location: Von Oben
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| Posted: Tue, 23rd Jul 2013 22:06 Post subject: |
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| Acer wrote: | | fisk wrote: | | Holy shit, what is this? Bad advice olympics? |
Care to enlighten us with your vast knoiwledge on the subject? |
Sure.
Some things first though...
First of all, she needs a real friend (or friends). Not a shrink.
Someone she can totally unload on without having to worry about the repercussions. She hears a lot of shit in her work, and it weighs on her like a motherfucker, without an outlet for all that, she's gonna be a mess... for a long period of time. My best advice is really for her, she needs an outlet. She needs to "be fixed", because no one can handle that much depression without being weighed down.
Secondly, she needs to seriously think about finding some way of dealing with her job without getting so enormously invested in it. I know it's a part of the passion of helping others, but she has to realize the logic of ... what happens if she becomes more fucked up herself than her patients? How will she help them then?
OK, on to your relationship... you're obviously concerned for her wellbeing, that means you have emotions and really care for her. The question you need to ask yourself is whether you want to live in the current situation, what if what's going on right now will keep going on... for a really long time? Are you OK with that? For real. My guess from what you're saying is no. You tell us she has a lot of pride, people who have a lot of pride tend to be stubborn, they tend to be reluctant to change. They feel that IF something will change, it will be on their terms, not yours. And this can take a lot of time. You might speed the process up... and the only way to do that is that you and her chuck your insecurities about open communication between each other out the window completely and talk about it. You say she is more rational, emotional people who have been through a lot of PTSD/mental trauma turn rational because dealing with the emotions can be overpowering. But something's gotta give, either she totally breaks down inside (which will have physical effects) in the long run. Hence why she needs an outlet.
And that outlet CAN'T be you all the time. And friends don't grow on trees, so what do you do? First of all you focus on communicating about the relationship, then you try and tell her the rationale I was talking about earlier, you know... that she's a kind hearted warm person, but that she will be unable to help people if she continues down the path of self-destruction. That will ruin not only her life, but her patients and yours. That's a logic she probably will understand. Hopefully she will change her attitude (this will take time, don't expect it to happen overnight, which is why I asked you if you're willing to face a lot of time without change first).
No relationship will work without open ports of communication, a relationship is really about three parts, you, her, and both of you. To have a working relationship every part of it needs to function, and YOU need to realize that her life is hers to fix. You can talk about what parts affect you (that's the 'both of you'-part) but she has that journey to go through, she has to make those decisions. And she probably won't for some time, even if you talk about it. Shit like that needs to sink in. Feel free to remind her about it, show her that you're concerned. Give her some advice on how to get out of the rut. But the rest is up to her.
As for you, you want happiness ... preferrably now. And maybe that'll come if you move on. Maybe it won't. Finding a good warm-hearted loving person that you have chemistry with is hard. And I think you realize this, and that's why you're staying around. But I think things will get worse before they get better. Especially if you start talking about this now, it will open wounds, particularly if you tell her that you've been thinking about leaving her. Saying stuff like that will require a lot of good timing and a "right" situation. But honestly, you need to be open with her about what you feel to invite the same in her. Once you've done all that shit, you will be able to move on and accomplish shit.
If you both make most of what I just put here happen, shit will start improving (down the road). Perhaps it will lead to a breakup, yes there's that chance. But I think what is more realistic is that if you're really commited to this, you can fix it. And shit will get better. Just don't leave stuff like this to the wind and "maybe it'll change", change never happens by chance. It happens when you plan a way out, commit to it, and make it happen.
Yes, yes I'm back.
Somewhat.
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| Posted: Tue, 23rd Jul 2013 22:27 Post subject: |
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Not going to write a huge wall of text, but the very core of the problem here, is her job. A job like that is emotionally very very heavy and it's obvious she's not ready (yet) to handle such a job. As much as she may enjoy the idea of the job, if it makes her a mental and physical wreck, she needs to reconsider what she wants to do. For example, you can just switch to a retirement home and do similar work but with less stress.
Until she realises that she's taking far more on her plate than she can handle, all the rest is moot because it's clear from what you said, that she's going to run straight into a wall and it's only going to get you dragged into that. I've been in such a situation myself and it really sucks life out of you to have to constantly support someone like that.
Basically, talk to her earnestly about taking on a job she can handle better. One that lets her focus more on her own problems and takes off the pressure. THEN you can start looking towards building a proper relationship with her. Getting into a relationship with someone who is married to their job or whose job seriously affects their life in a big negative way is very risky unless they're willing to change things.
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| Posted: Wed, 24th Jul 2013 10:44 Post subject: |
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Yes the issue here is mainly her work. I've spoken to her about this on several occasions, asking her why she chose this line of work with her bakground knowing the hardships she had to endure but I guess theres a kinda naivety that I've seen in alot of swedish girls. They think they can change the world, and while most have lived protected wealthy lives this girl has had a though childhood with her family having low income etc
But I agree, its up to her to make the change. As much as I wanna help, if she feels like im forcing her she will start resenting me if she decides to do something else that she will end up hating.
But its odd, for me when Im having a hard time, when my anxiety hits through the roof I always want people around me to talk to and just be with in order to not have the voices in my head drive me mad.
We talk alot, we share our thoughts and concerns so its not like we're pretending everything is ok like some people do. She told me about her feelings of emptiness, how she cant feel for anything or anyone because of stress at work.
So yeah, I'll probably have to go through hell for this girl before things might get better and so Im at a crossroads as you wrote Fisk. If I didnt think she was worth it it'd be easy to just dump her but I care for her very much. We have such great chemistry, coming from the same hardships in our youth and childhood.
Dont mess with God, he can impregnate your girlfriend/wife without taking his pants off!
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| Posted: Sat, 27th Jul 2013 00:09 Post subject: |
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| Acer wrote: | Yes the issue here is mainly her work. I've spoken to her about this on several occasions, asking her why she chose this line of work with her bakground knowing the hardships she had to endure but I guess theres a kinda naivety that I've seen in alot of swedish girls. They think they can change the world, and while most have lived protected wealthy lives this girl has had a though childhood with her family having low income etc
But I agree, its up to her to make the change. As much as I wanna help, if she feels like im forcing her she will start resenting me if she decides to do something else that she will end up hating.
But its odd, for me when Im having a hard time, when my anxiety hits through the roof I always want people around me to talk to and just be with in order to not have the voices in my head drive me mad.
We talk alot, we share our thoughts and concerns so its not like we're pretending everything is ok like some people do. She told me about her feelings of emptiness, how she cant feel for anything or anyone because of stress at work.
So yeah, I'll probably have to go through hell for this girl before things might get better and so Im at a crossroads as you wrote Fisk. If I didnt think she was worth it it'd be easy to just dump her but I care for her very much. We have such great chemistry, coming from the same hardships in our youth and childhood. |
Well let me give you one final piece of advice: as I said, I've been in a similar situation and the stress and effort got me half depressed, making me an unreliable person for her to rely on and basically, if this could happen to you, you HAVE to take a step back or you will not only wreck your relationship with her, you'll make it worse for the both of you and that won't help ANYONE.
Caring for someone doesn't mean sticking with them until it blows up in your face. It's also knowing when to give them space and let them work out stuff for themselves. It's possible that you backing off after giving her a very clear "I'm sorry but until you find a different job, it's too much for me and I'll have to back off even though I care for you" speech may very well make her realise she's not on the right path.
I went through a depression myself some 10 years ago and I wore a lot of my friends down and it while it did hurt when many of them basically said it was too much for them to deal with, I came to realise that it wasn't right for me to keep relying on others while draining them. Since your friend's main issue is a job she can leave, she's in a much easier situation than I was so she has no excuse not to take the right step and get her out of her self-created bad situation.
TLDR: You can't change the world when you're a wreck. Neither can you help a friend when that friend remains in a situation where she'll need continuous help until it brings you down along with her. Either she change her job, or you take a step back until she does - other options are most likely not going to end well.
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| Posted: Thu, 1st Aug 2013 17:35 Post subject: Re: Yet another woman issue |
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| Acer wrote: | So been seeing this girl for 6 months now, shes really great and smart and one of the kindest people I've ever met.
Problem is she works at a mental institue and on top of that has had a troublesome childhood where she was bullied in school alot. She was burned out a year ago and has only recently gotten back to work full time. Though you can really see that shes struggling to mantain any kind of normality, often looking pale as a ghost when I meet her after work.
I've tried to be real supportive, been there for her, not tried to push her into seeing me, given her space and so on but Im starting to feel tired of this. As much as I care for her I have my own needs, I need someone to be with, to laugh with and just share the moment with without too much drama. Something tells me this girl is worth fighting for, but my logical side tells me even if she gets over this hurdle in her life she'll have further problems down the road and whos to say she wont just pick up her stuff and leave one day out of the blue because she cant take it anymore...
What Im trying to say is that I dont feel I can trust her emotional state. I keep seeing scenes of Kramer vs Kramer in my head, and what might happen if theres a kid in the picture one day...
I dont love her as in mad over the heels but I feel like we're both fighters, that we've fought our entire lives and the thing thats brough us together is the idea of a future happy family life eventhough that seems like a distant dream right now.
Im not really looking for advise, but if you guys wanna comment, share your thoughts then please go ahead.
Also I've already fucked her in the butt several times, shes fingered my ass aswell so we've gone down that road already... |
What I'm about to say might sound dickish, but it's your happiness we're talking about here, so here goes:
Just get a new girl. Seriously. Sounds like she is emotionally unstable, chances are she will never be stable. If she can't realize, that a good relationship is exactly the remedy for her problems (at work and otherwise), then she will never stay committed to you.
Most people, who I know, who are like her, end up hurting the people, who love them most.
You can play the knight on a white horse, and try to save her ... or you can try and forge a happy family for yourself. You are like, what ... 19/20? Just forget about her!
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But I feel you. The reason why I don't want any relationship right now is cause I don't need all the shit like this. My right hand is good enough partner 
I like that.
