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 Posted: Sat, 4th Jul 2015 00:20 Post subject: Coping with breakups and other issues |
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So for starters, as I mentioned in the other thread due to past relationship (back when I was 19 or so) I've kind of developed, at certain moments, really bad early dating/relationship anxiety (which goes to paranoid levels for brief moments before I bring myself back down). I have no issues approaching or talking to girls, asking for a number etc. Also no problem actually going on a date.
The issue arises while in between seeing each other. I over analyze stuff all the time, I find bad things where there aren't any, and it sometimes affects me really bad, like I can't sleep well or so. Now after being solo for 3-4 years I went into dating waters again. I hit off really great with a girl that works in a store in my street. This was the first time I actually felt such a connection to someone so early on (and she did too). This has been going for about a month, and we went in a few dates from kissing to long overnight drives to some sexy time. (this was over a span of like 7-8 dates). Without going into too much detail, the girl is really fantastic, but she had a hard life growing up with her grandma and often feels very down. If things don't work out for her, she'll feel really like sad as in nothing ever works for her etc. I was cautious of this at first and at some points I thought she would just stop seeing me but I was mistaken. I am certain feeling that way affected her but when she met up with me she was really happy and changed, every time.
Now after 3-4 years of solo, even tho it was just a month long I was hooked more than usual ( I am the kind of guy that gets easily attached if I really like someone which can be bad). Fast forward, last night we talked at her work and it was really fun and great and we agreed to meet up today (she worked night shift last night) So I agreed to call her after 2 PM when she gets up. But... at 1 PM I get a message from her saying how she has been thinking how she is in chaos right now and needs a little time to be alone. She said at this moment she can't dedicate herself enough to someone.
I called her after that and we talked she seemed tired and irked, like something didn't go right that morning for her. In the convo she didn't really say she wanted to not see me anymore, she actually said she liked it when she is with me so I didn't wanna push her I said I'll call later and she agreed. Now I did call later and she didn't pick up. Now I decided to give her space. I sent her a text explaining stuff and I'm just gonna wait a little now for her to cool off and clear her head. At this point I am already feeling the dreaded feel of when you stop seeing someone. I know it's only been a month, but it still makes me feel like shit for a few days and it's awful. So, fellow Humpers, how do you cope with this stuff? I am not afraid to admit it always hits me hard for a few days, probably more than the average person. I guess I'm just like that.
TL:DR How do you cope with breakups and other dating issues?
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| Posted: Sat, 4th Jul 2015 06:45 Post subject: |
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Meh, who isnt hit by these things, i have a long history of taking things hard. and i mean HARD as fuck.
When i was 19 i was betrayed and i got so bad i cried at work and even left college for a year, couldnt connect with anyone and got really quick in love and suffered a lot.
Well fast forward some years. Met a girl, 6 years later i had to break up with her to keep my fucking sanity, even now i miss her sometimes but that ship has sailed FAR for various reasons and i took my decision to heart and i didnt suffer.
Anyways, i have a history of being weak, or so i thought... ever since my last long relationship ive recognized my good points, why im a good partner why im bad, ive remembered what i like doing, what i love doing in my free time, ive focused on my plans for life etc.
This has given me a clear idea of who i am and how to enjoy my free time, so when i meet someone i treat them good, i pay attention, im very open when talking, im serious, and i pay no mind to what others do, all women have their own life and problems, i ask, i relate, i give tips, i try to cheer them up, if im rejected or shoved aside with care i pay it no mind, i go back to my life, having fun, carrying my plans, my day by day. They come back and we keep talking, i say hi after some days to see how its going then.
Why? Cause i know im being myself, i know im being nice, and people carry alot in their lives so why force ourselves into them and start thinking anything about it, it just happens and we may miss all the correct answers and fall in a loop of stupid ideas assuming stuff.
Enjoy people, talk to them, share and give them space when they want it, if they shoved u aside well move aside, remember your life is ahead of all these complicated relationships, focus on it.
Last time i had a relationship it was going great but i wasnt the one they loved, they told me they would give them a chance and i accepted, i keep the friendship and i burried those feelings, why? i did my best and in her position i would have followed what i loved, we dont always win and theres so many people around. I just keep talking to everyone and enjoying everyone, when we click amen, i still have more friends and in case something happens, understand that noone is fully sane, we have many problems and we are bound to reject, run away, feel down, change ideas, misinterpret stuff. It happens, move on, more people ahead.
In your case you just be yourself, be nice, supportive, dont push things, if its not meant to be amen, trust me when you get together with someone who feels bad and may not be fully open to you and who you are... you will suffer, if with time they open up, good, but well..... focus on ur life, share with everyone and let everyone be free.
Edit: read about your worries when you are in a relationship... dude, chill, be open, talk, ask, but dont go nuts imagining things, some signals are clear as hell and you cant avoid noticing something bad, but you have to talk or decide to leave if its clear as in no doubt available. But if its something vague.... just take notice and note it down, ask if you must in a way that may help you understand, keep enjoying your relationship.
Do you know why i broke up with my lovely ex? Cause she hammered me day by day with untrust, doubt, always thinking something was up, i lost patience, love, my sanity, everything.
So tell me again what do you gain from thinking about things you dont know? Keep comunications open and clear, show ur worries in a healthy way, assuming will get you nowhere. You may think and analize allllll you want, if they want to do something, they will do it. So whats the point of killing urself.... imagine ur wrong... u lost time and sanity in that crap. Just enjoy ur relationship, take note of things, if one day you finally see something bad, talk about it and go away. thats it.
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| Posted: Sat, 4th Jul 2015 12:26 Post subject: |
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Thanks for such a big reply Lopin  I have the same problem like you I tend to get hit pretty hard by these things. The biggest problem I had here is that the relationship was going great, I could see she was really happy when we were around and with each day stuff was getting even better. We made plans for y-day and it was all great and then just out of nowhere y-day at 1 PM I get the sms from her saying how she can't dedicate herself to anyone at this moment and how she need some time alone and how she is chaos right now.
That really hit me hard and caught me off guard because literally 12 hours before that we were talking and having a great time together. She even joked when I said some girl was hitting on me she said who is she and do I need to intervene.
I talked with my best friend and I think we figured it out. She has an ex, who she doesn't like anymore and doesn't want to be with but he is a very very clingy kind of person and needy. He is constantly hovering around her and pressing her. I think that is the main reason that she changed so suddenly from great to adios. Because he is pressuring her and constantly nagging her and she can't have a normal relationship from him. The guy lost his parents so he is alone, so I guess that is why he is clinging around her so much.
And at the same time she is the kind of girl who wants him away but doesn't want to hurt his feelings not cause she still loves him but just cause she is that kind of a person. (which doesn't work, you just need to shove him away and be done with it).
And as our relationship progressed I could see that more and more she wanted him away. When we first met she mentioned him but in a good tone and didn't talk about him much. But later on, cuz we ran into him a few times and he had a tendency to call her a couple times when we were together (she didn't answer) she started opening up more and I could see that she just wanted him away from her to let her be. She said "It's really hard when you can't shake someone off like this."
I'm gonna see and talk to her in person if she wants to meet up, if I can't reach her I'll drop by her work. I think that I at least deserve an explanation face to face rather than over SMS, and I also want to find out if that is what made her go like this and if I can somehow help her.
All in all, I was really broken with that sudden change in her cuz stuff was going so well...
Edit: Oh and last night I sent her a text saying I'm worried about her and that I am here if she wants to talk. I also said I want to meet her in person to have a conversation about it no matter what she decides in the end. I sent her that around 9 PM. I got a reply from her at 5 AM while she was at work saying "I've decided. It's better to be like I told you. I'm really sorry" However, I was downtown with a friend at like 3 am driving around and we saw her ex at her work talking to her. So I connected the dots. She didn't reply at all, he dropped by her work at like 2-3 am, talked about god knows what then after that she sends me this. So it has to be him who's putting her off. A friend nearby watched them and she made no physical contact with him, like no hugs, kisses or anything so it's not that she wants him back.
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| Posted: Sat, 4th Jul 2015 12:57 Post subject: |
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dude, dont let her get away with a simple text message, man up and visit her and talk it through face to face, if she allows her ex to visit her at work, u sure as hell are a welcome supirze there too, and bring flowers. so her colleagues see it and reinforce her that u like her wwith public sign of affection
most woman expect u to put up a fight, they are by nature submissive and the guy who pushes hardest gets what he wants and looks like u losing to an ex right now ...
and do not have friends spying on her for u, that is stalker behavior
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Nalo
nothing
Posts: 13519
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| Posted: Sat, 4th Jul 2015 13:00 Post subject: |
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Last edited by Nalo on Wed, 3rd Jul 2024 06:09; edited 2 times in total
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| Posted: Sat, 4th Jul 2015 13:33 Post subject: |
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"I think she is worth it" tell her exactly that, if u dont see her eyes sparkle when u tell her that, move on. dont mention whats bugging her etcetera or stuff like that. tell her how u feel and look into those eyes if they look away or open wide , u will know whats up right there and then
Last edited by PickupArtist on Sat, 4th Jul 2015 13:43; edited 1 time in total
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| Posted: Sat, 4th Jul 2015 13:40 Post subject: |
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Will do. When she is around me she has that kind of look. I often catch her looking at me like that and just smiling. So that's why I was caught by surprise when she wanted to break it off. And when we talk she often stares deep into my eyes and doesn't look away, which is from what I know a sign of looking for deeper emotional connection. So yeah the signs are there for sure but it all turned 180 degrees. I just hope she'll shed some light on what happened.
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| Posted: Sat, 4th Jul 2015 14:03 Post subject: |
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Ahh there it is. People carry quite a history and things on their back. If she still has feelings for him or wants to share with him etc etc. Dont pay it much mind dude, what would you do in her position if you wanted someone else so much? Maybe its a step backwards for her but... wtf? we all do it, we cant force noone. Rarely works.
Anyways, you can try talking to her but dont go nuts about this, it happens, it will happen to you one day. We just have to understand where we stand, if we are not the preferred one and we did everything we could, then we must understand the other person and let them be.
Im not the fighting type, everyone has his style, i show my best and i try to get what i want, if it misses, well i give them space, if they arent stupid they will choose whats best, if not, amen. Others will chase her and do magic moments to make them change their mind, whatever works and feels good to you.
But DOOONT get down over this, you shared, you learned and you have skills to meet people, so keep meeting friends and woman, in the end you will find one that has the best situation for you to go into and you will have a better time still.
Tell me about that, every time i meet a new person i have a better time than the last.
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| Posted: Sat, 4th Jul 2015 15:39 Post subject: |
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Yeah I'm not gonna go nuts about it or force her. I just want her to talk to me face to face and tell me what made her change her mind so suddenly. Why did she turn cold when she was so warm just a day ago? I'll tell her that I'm there for her and that whatever problem she has I'll help her with it. The truth is I don't know if her ex is the real issue we are just suspecting it. That's why I want to talk to her. Also I am not a fighting type either I try my best in other ways.
And now when I look back it seems as if she wanted to move on from him, go with someone else, but he kept clinging to her and being always around which drove her this way eventually. I am fairly certain she does not want anything with him by choice. Only if he keeps pushing her or tells her some bs stories to convince her.
Anyway, as the time comes closer to call her and if she doesn't pick up go see her at work tonight I am getting more restless. I went to take a nap cuz I got up early but I couldn't. As soon as I close my eyes I just see the message she sent last night and my heart just starts racing and I feel.... I dunno, anxious? Panicky?
I really wish to talk to her and see if something can be done but I guess I'm just too cautious of how is she gonna be when she sees me and all that...
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| Posted: Sat, 4th Jul 2015 15:49 Post subject: |
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you think to much and other people notice that and that will make you always look weird in situations like this.
"Stop putting the pussy on a pedestal"
she know what she want. you don't need to talk to her because of that. if she would wanted you she would be with you. god damn you girls why do you always just want the money and dick. we got hearts too. my gf left me this year after 2 years. fucking bitches.
next time you think about stuff like this forget it and watch some "assitoni" to come down and forget about it. it's just not worth it. (i need to take some of my medicine now for myself)
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| Posted: Sat, 4th Jul 2015 15:55 Post subject: |
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I don't think that's quite the case. It's more complicated. The ex guy, she was with him for 8 months. But it didn't work out at all, he is a good guy but they were just too much different. So they MUTUALLY broke up. They stayed on good terms though. However, as you can see he is clinging too much. What I don't get is why would you cold feet and push someone away that you actually enjoyed so much, but the person that annoys you and you say you can't get rid off you keep him around cuz you don't want to hurt him and don't know how else to tell him to back off.....
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| Posted: Sat, 4th Jul 2015 16:08 Post subject: |
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the only reason to stay on good terms with someone after a broke up is when you got kids.
there are girls that like attention... maybe she enjoyed you for those few weeks but then noticed some stuff she doesn't like or even hate. she doesn't have the balls to tell it to your face, so why do that to yourself and push her to say it. it will hurt you for no reason.
she has a much stronger and longer relationship to the other guy and that is why friendships after a broke up will never work. (with the most people)
even if you can fix it who tells you it will not be the same in 1,2 or 6 months? it's sad but there a many girls like that. they took what they want and need for a special amount of time and if it's enough they go to the next one or the last one.
females i knew that were like that always had almost all the ex boyfriends on fb/twitter/phone book... it's a no go for me. fine if you had a life before me but stop having contact to you ex boyfriends.
damn the next girl i get will probably wearing a headscarf. i can't stand those women enymore
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| Posted: Sat, 4th Jul 2015 16:14 Post subject: |
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Yes I am aware of that. I just want her to tell it to my face. I want some closure so I can move on. Right now I'm just hovering in between. I'll tell her what I think, I'll offer help I'll lay out all my cards and now if she wants it ok, if not then tell me why and what's going on and even though hard I'll accept that. But I just want to know what happened to her and why is she like this I don't want two SMS messages, I want to talk to her in person I think it's common decency to do that.
Perhaps I should've reacted sooner. Offered her help with keeping him away and all that cuz she really seemed stressed about it. I dunno perhaps she's scared to shove him away. It's sad cuz she is a genuinely good and caring girl, which I saw at the store the way she works, treats people puts herself ahead of others.... Bleh.
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| Posted: Sat, 4th Jul 2015 16:42 Post subject: |
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either way it's her choice and even if you have the "right" to know you can do nothing about it.
you can go there and be like before, going there without asking first, which maybe get you into this position.
or you can write her that it's ok, you wanted more, she not. goodbye! like this you can keep your head up, don't get humiliated and be down for the next months...
i know you want it to be different but she is not worth it if she lets you stand there like an idiot.
just stop lying to yourself and admit that you don't want to go there to get a real awnser. you want her back or atleast want to see her. all the best to you man
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| Posted: Sat, 4th Jul 2015 16:56 Post subject: |
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Well I admit I want to see her and I would want her back if possible, not gonna lie about that. But I do want to know what the hell set her off like that. I just want the talk, that's all. Also, she never minded me dropping by her work, I would always announce myself ahead and even when I didn't she never said it was an issue, she actually liked it cause she'd see me. And thanks man I guess I just want to see where I'm at and get it over with. Either fix it if possible or move on and forget it.
This hasn't been a long relationship but it was intense on both sides, I'm not sure how long it takes to get over that. I hope not months
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I can bring her an energy drink, she likes those and we'd often drink it together.
